Loss and Grief
by mmmgirl13
Summary: When Edward left, Bella loss more than just her first love, she lost a family, a life she planned to have. When they leave the community sees a love struck teenager pining for her first "love". They only see her grieving. What they don't acknowledge is while there can be a loss without grief, there can not be grief without loss. A retelling of NM from a loss and grief perspective.
1. Chapter 1

That afternoon had already shifted to the onset of evening. The sun hidden by gray clouds, that looked about to rain once more, even though it had dropped some of its burden earlier in the day. The trees already started, sprinkling the leftover rain, the wind shaking the water droplets out of their leafy cocoons.

She shivered in her damp jeans, her feet starting to become numb regardless of the water boots sturdy protection. Her hair sparkled with the light spray of water, almost like how her boyfriends would in the sunlight. Luckily her raincoat protected her upper body from the cold onslaught of the elements, yet even that weighed her down the longer she stood, waiting for him to talk. She shifted uneasily.

Her boyfriend, on the opposite side, looked nothing like his burdened girlfriend. He couldn't avoid the elements, yet it appeared they did it for him. He looked less life a teenager out with his girlfriend than he did like a model shooting an advertisement with the help of his assistant. The contrast didn't go unnoticed by her.

"We are leaving." He spoke softly, like how one would when approaching a skittish animal. He looked up at her through hooded lashes. "My family and I- not you" and in case she still hadn't understood, "Bella, you're not to come with us."

And even though this was the third time he had said it, Bella still stared at him incomprehensibly. It didn't make sense, where would they go that she couldn't come along? Why did he make them into two units, the family versus herself? Bella, all alone, not a part of the family.

"I don't want you to come with us." He continued when she still hadn't responded. "You don't belong with us." _I don't want you with us, with me. I don't want you._ And it clicked. All those times she had to teach herself that she had indeed finally found her place, a family who wanted her not just to cook, to clean, to fill the niche "daughter", but genuinely wanted her as a member of their family. All those convincing, both on her side and theirs, fell apart to what she had already suspected. They already had everyone they needed in the family, a loving, doting mother, a compassionate, strong father, a hyper sister who gave the family energy, a funny, protective brother, and even the two distant siblings who appeared stoic on the outside, but still had fond eyes for their family and respective lover. They had all the pieces, they had no need for additional.

But if anything, Bella had thought she would fit the spare, that she had fit Edward. That like Edward, they were the odd ones out who didn't quite have a job to fulfill, but fulfilled one another, and together added a third dimension to the family. And perhaps Edward already did that. He didn't need her to complete his place. She had no place, not with him, not with his family. But after months and months trying to convince herself otherwise, the small part that had been giving in, that had succeeded in finding her part in the puzzle, that part couldn't believe what she was hearing now.

But just as that part of her was beginning to protest, he was gone. No indentures on the soft soil he previously stood, the winding misdirecting the faint traces of his scent, Bella was left just as she was before she had met him- alone. She had been content with that before, she hadn't realized there was a feeling outside of it. But once he gave her a taste, a taste of how life could be with friends and family, someone you took care of and they took care of you too, she didn't want to go back to how she was before. She didn't want to go back to a time before him, before them.

And so, she followed after him. Aimlessly searching, wandering into the forest even as it continued to thicken and the clouds let go of its second rain. Even as rain seeped through the defenses of her raincoat and her chest became numb, it didn't matter to her. The coldness felt good on her rising temperature, and her chest, it would have been numb anyway. It wasn't until she was miles away from home that she tripped. And when she tried to stand up, the slick mud with the addition to her numb feet, wouldn't give her strength to move on. She failed him. She failed them. And as she let herself close her eyes, she began the path where she failed the most important person. She began to fail herself.

Hours later a huge wolf would approach the girl. His soft fur would soothingly caress her blue cheeks. He knew of the girl he was supposed to find. He had been given an old yearbook photo taken years ago. He searched with the thought in mind that the girl he would find would be older, slightly more developed. But when he found her, while all those assumptions had been true, he hadn't been able to predict the youth she still pertained. It was when her large doe eyes first opened at the sound of his sniffing. The innocent hurt, that blind acceptance, and unquestionable trust, that when she was told she did something wrong then there indeed _must_ have been something she had done wrong. It was when her heart rate didn't pick up from seeing a wolf five times her size, leaning over her, open mouthed and full teeth on display. He saw something broken in the girl. And when the wind blew, under the dirt and earthy smell, his sensitive nose was able to pick up the faint sickly perfume he innately knew. In the girl he saw a victim, another casualty easily forgotten by her slayers. Quickly the wolf transformed into his male counterpart and swept the girl into his warm embrace. As he held her tightly against his chest, he felt the minuscule vibrations of her lips attempting to make sounds. He tilted his head in an attempt to hear her.

"He's gone. They're gone. Everyone. Gone." And the streams on her cheeks he previously assumed was rain, smelled of salty tears. She was grieving he concluded. But now they are gone she will be able to grieve more than she could if they had stayed. He brought her home and reassured her father of her recovery. He too had felt grief, and with time he was confident she too could overcome.

He would be the first of many to acknowledge her grief, yet to overlook her loss.

" **Grief** : The normal process of reacting to a **loss**. The **loss** may be physical (such as a death), social (such as divorce), or occupational (such as a job). Emotional reactions of **grief** can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and despair."- definition by MedicineNet

One can have Loss without Grief, but Grief cannot be experienced without loss.

This will be a story that depicts Edwards leave in New Moon with a Loss and Grief perspective. I gather much of my information from J. William Worden _Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy_ , such as his model of the four tasks of mourning, his definition and ideas of stigmatized, disenfranchised, and complicated and uncomplicated grief. How these are implanted to the story is me, and the story _Twilight_ is by Stephanie Meyer, not me. I am writing this story as a contradiction to a Bella who is whiny and overdramatic, and I give her legit explanations to the cause and lead to her depression. Also, a contrast to a "snapping out of it" and instant fix/realization. This will be a slow healing. Grief isn't expected to heal/end in two, three weeks, or even a year. Everyone has their own time, and you can't marginalize someone's grief, or compare it to someone else's. Grief is not a competition. I hope this story will help those going through their own grief, normalize their feelings and know what they are feeling is okay. Thank you and I hope you enjoy the journey.


	2. Chapter 2

Another afternoon bled by. Everything unchanging to the little town of Forks. If great grandparents of the previous generations were to see it now, they would not think they were in the future. Only the people had changed, and even some of those stayed as stagnant as the trees.

A little girl rushes ahead of her mother along the sidewalk. Laughing gaily, her tinted red nose is thrown back with mirth. She goes unaware that her mother lags behind not because she is out of energy, but because her mind is troubled with work, bills, and everyday household expenses. The little girl goes unaware, for when she turns back her mother always has a smile to shine down upon her, and to the little girl, a smile was all the reassurance one needs.

Everyone smiles, was the girl's simple logic. They smile when they are happy, when something is funny, or even when something is just good. A smile means they are good. And everyone with a mouth could smile- well not everyone.

It wasn't always there, but for the last few months the little girl had seen what she first thought to be a mannequin in the chief of polices house on the second floor. It was a girl, older than herself, yet nearly identical in size. She sat still as stone, eyes glazed over looking out her window. She never moved, not even when the little girl waved. Her lips stayed in a permanent solid line. This girl confused everything the little girl thought she had ever known. Even Jimmy in her elementary class, who was the champion, at the quiet game AND freeze tag, couldn't stay still longer than a minute. From the moment the little girl saw her at the beginning of the street all the way till she reached the end, the girl in the window never moved. Even days later she would be in the same spot, unchanged from the day before. When her mother was on a phone call one afternoon walk, the little girl decided enough was enough, she was going to figure out why this girl didn't ever move. And when she approached closer to the house, she thought she figured it out. The girl wasn't a human girl, she was a mannequin girl! Her skin color was the same pasty white as the mannequins at the mall, and her brown hair was stringy, and greasy, exactly how fake hair would look on the rare mannequin who got a wig. Plus she was super skinny like mannequins have to be so that they can fit all sizes of clothes, even the extra extra little girl was satisfied about figuring out the mystery, and for a time stayed content, the mannequin in the window consistency assuring.

Then weeks later, her theory crumbled to dust. She had run ahead of her mother to see the mannequin before it became too dark. It seemed each day became darker earlier, and if the little girl stuck to her original walk schedule, by the time they reached the chief's house it would be too dark to see in. And because the little girl arrived earlier, she saw something she hadn't ever seen before. The girl she had named mannequin girl wasn't at her spot by the window. And she wasn't alone. A man with the same shade of hair as the girls, sprinkled with the beginning of pepper, was holding on to the girl's arm. Carefully he steered her to her chair that looked outside. Gently he pushed her into her seat and quickly left only to appear again with a small bowl of soup. Gingerly he wrapped her fingers around a spoon and guided her to the bowl. As soon as the spoon was engulfed by the liquid, as if by signaled, the girl lifted the substance into her mouth. Slower than it took to lift the spoon, the girl swallowed after a minute the liquid sat in her mouth. The man lightly smoothed the girl's stray hair to be tucked behind her ears. With a heavy sigh, he left when five minutes passed and she had yet to lift the spoon again.

The little girl stared up in shock. Everything made perfect since now. The mannequin girl was indeed not a mannequin, but a puppet girl. The scene the girl just witnessed almost a replica of the one she had seen in a movie a time ago. _Pinocchio_ was the name. And the man had to have been her maker, yearning for his puppet girl to find a star and wish, wish like he already has, that she too would want herself to become a real girl.

Forks High School was angsty for change. Nothing exciting had happened since Isabella Swan had transferred in almost a year ago. They thought something juicy might happen when she and the mysterious Cullen had broken up. Maybe like Lauren, out of bitter and anger, would spill some of her ex's secrets. But no juice had been spilled. Instead, Bella had remained silent. This created its own gossip. What happened to have made her so withdrawn? The oblivious people even dared to ask. But all they got was silence. Her closer friend, Angela, tried to be a silent support. Initially softly whispering she had an ear willing to listen whenever Bella felt ready. What she didn't know was that Bella had nothing she could tell. Nothing that wouldn't get her locked up for being crazy. So instead she did it herself, instead of steel bars, Bella locked herself inside her mind.

And after weeks had gone by and nothing had changed, life moved on from the speculation of Bella Swan's life. They moved on, leaving her behind. But she was use to that.

But her routine was threatened to change. Charlie must be losing patience with her. He didn't want her anymore either. He wanted her to go back to Renee. But Bella knew she couldn't do that. Anger fueled by fear erupted inside of Bella. It was her first passionate emotion in months _. Don't let him take you to Renee_ , a voice commanded in her head. It was masculine, hard while still soothing. It was familiar, but in her haze of emotion, Bella couldn't disfigure who. _Renee doesn't know a weak Bella, she knows a strong Bella who would take care of her, who guided her and assured her when times were tough. You can't let her see you when you've fallen apart. Let one part of your old self stay alive. Don't let it die when she truly finds out how far you've fallen._ And with the start of the voice, was the end of her first phase of grieving. The voice had cut her strings, yet she had forgotten how to walk on her own. It would be a while before she learned how to stand once more. But unlike the people in her life, the voice was here to stay.


End file.
